I really need to get that book already, but this quote really stood out:
“The fact is, childbearing’s costs fall disproportionately on women. And what comes out in Pakaluk’s research is that these costs are not primarily financial. They are women’s opportunity costs: their loss of status, professional progress, and identity. Religious communities help frame the value of children to counterbalance the costs all women shoulder. Absent living religious communities, raising a large family can seem a foolish investment.”
A friend and I were talking about how lonely having a large family can be, even in the context of Christian settings, because since birth control is such a normalized part of life, eschewing it is a little like saying you’re going to live without a smartphone. It’s definitely doable, but makes life harder in a million tiny ways, because the vast majority of society is predicated on the fact that of course you’ll have one because it’s a modern necessity. You may gain a lot from not having one, but you’ll constantly be reminded that you are different and there will be small inconveniences that wear on you. But these are mitigated somewhat if you’re in community with like minded people who also place value on the same thing…
I think it’s part of what’s worn me out so much. Having a large family is treated as a quirky, weird thing to do, even if the professed value is that children are a blessing. The comparison to women saying they want more children in the same way they want to lose 5 lbs was apt. That is, it’s an easy thing to say, but most don’t want it enough to do it because it’s really difficult.
"...the vast majority of society is predicated on the fact that of course you’ll have one because it’s a modern necessity." ---> Yes. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Those reviews (and the book itself) probably won't tell mothers of large families, like you, anything new...... but it's nice to get a big picture view straight from the mothers themselves of their reasoning. Plus, I love how she's an economics professor and since I kinda studied that in college as well, I appreciate how she doesn't let people off the hook in that sense. Particularly the bit about how our choices often DO tell us what we "really want" (which is to say, what we are demonstrably willing to give up or trade for it. Here, I'm grateful that she showed these weren't all women who were just pining from their youth to be a homemaker and nothing else. So many of them had/have other ambitions and made real sacrifices!) You're right that the ubiquity of birth control makes the norm of everything in culture more suited to small families. Like, we did that to ourselves! But we can also do hard things. We don't all have to squeeze into that societal mold, even if the larger family is more cumbersome. We really don't. I'm thankful for examples of people doing life another way.
Too many interesting articles. Not enough time to read them well with the attention they deserve. A perennial problem only made worse by your newsletter Haley! ;) (so much interesting stuff this week)
This is the conundrum I'm always faced with on Monday mornings as well 😅 thanks for rounding up the best food for thought on the internet as usual, Haley!
I immediately opened at least 5 of these in different browser tabs. And my husband wants to know why I always have so many tabs open at once… I can now pass the blame ;)
Thank you for your beautiful work with this newsletter, Haley! I watched the interview with Jordan Peterson and Mary Harrington, which was so good, and was my introduction to Mary’s work. I’m excited to read her book now!
If it even lives halfway up to its title, How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen sounds like the most practical book I could read right now! Thanks for sharing!
I keep thinking I need to return to Dickens - it's been 10 years at least since I last read him! A project for the winter, after I finish everything else I said I was going to read... I've never read Hard Times though, so maybe that's a good place to start.
What have you read by him? I started reading worthwhile books later in adulthood so I feel as though I'm always behind on the "classics" everyone says they've read a million times. haha
I've read quite a few: Tale of Two Cities, David Copperfield, A Christmas Carol, Great Expectations, Oliver Twist, and Bleak House. But all in high school, either for my lit classes or in pursuit of my own self-important aim to be "a smart person" haha. Hopefully I am coming to them more humbly this time. I remember Tale of Two Cities being my favorite.
So elated to see you're reading Dickens! He's my absolute favorite, so I'm biased, but I sincerely hope you don't stop after Hard Times! He has so many good ones.
Books read in high school have about double the impression when read in adulthood..... so I'm taking note it must have been great. And three of you said so in these comments. haha
Wow, I like your title for my gift guide way better than my own! "Activity Gift Guide for Cherubs of Chaos." I love it.
#6 -- yes. All the spinning, all the time.
We got both a spinny chair and two balance discs..... Dixie, these will be game-changers during the winter, especially!!
They are amazing tools. I am so glad you got them!
I really need to get that book already, but this quote really stood out:
“The fact is, childbearing’s costs fall disproportionately on women. And what comes out in Pakaluk’s research is that these costs are not primarily financial. They are women’s opportunity costs: their loss of status, professional progress, and identity. Religious communities help frame the value of children to counterbalance the costs all women shoulder. Absent living religious communities, raising a large family can seem a foolish investment.”
A friend and I were talking about how lonely having a large family can be, even in the context of Christian settings, because since birth control is such a normalized part of life, eschewing it is a little like saying you’re going to live without a smartphone. It’s definitely doable, but makes life harder in a million tiny ways, because the vast majority of society is predicated on the fact that of course you’ll have one because it’s a modern necessity. You may gain a lot from not having one, but you’ll constantly be reminded that you are different and there will be small inconveniences that wear on you. But these are mitigated somewhat if you’re in community with like minded people who also place value on the same thing…
I think it’s part of what’s worn me out so much. Having a large family is treated as a quirky, weird thing to do, even if the professed value is that children are a blessing. The comparison to women saying they want more children in the same way they want to lose 5 lbs was apt. That is, it’s an easy thing to say, but most don’t want it enough to do it because it’s really difficult.
"...the vast majority of society is predicated on the fact that of course you’ll have one because it’s a modern necessity." ---> Yes. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Those reviews (and the book itself) probably won't tell mothers of large families, like you, anything new...... but it's nice to get a big picture view straight from the mothers themselves of their reasoning. Plus, I love how she's an economics professor and since I kinda studied that in college as well, I appreciate how she doesn't let people off the hook in that sense. Particularly the bit about how our choices often DO tell us what we "really want" (which is to say, what we are demonstrably willing to give up or trade for it. Here, I'm grateful that she showed these weren't all women who were just pining from their youth to be a homemaker and nothing else. So many of them had/have other ambitions and made real sacrifices!) You're right that the ubiquity of birth control makes the norm of everything in culture more suited to small families. Like, we did that to ourselves! But we can also do hard things. We don't all have to squeeze into that societal mold, even if the larger family is more cumbersome. We really don't. I'm thankful for examples of people doing life another way.
Too many interesting articles. Not enough time to read them well with the attention they deserve. A perennial problem only made worse by your newsletter Haley! ;) (so much interesting stuff this week)
But that one by Addison looks like a must read.
This is the conundrum I'm always faced with on Monday mornings as well 😅 thanks for rounding up the best food for thought on the internet as usual, Haley!
You’re welcome, y’all. It’s not compiled in a day… if that helps. Also, it is a charcuterie board. Take what you want, of course. :)
Thanks so much for including my piece here. Honored to be in such great company!
I immediately opened at least 5 of these in different browser tabs. And my husband wants to know why I always have so many tabs open at once… I can now pass the blame ;)
Glad to have people on my wavelength enough to care about similar things. :)
Thank you for your beautiful work with this newsletter, Haley! I watched the interview with Jordan Peterson and Mary Harrington, which was so good, and was my introduction to Mary’s work. I’m excited to read her book now!
Thanks for the kind words, Anna. So glad you found some value in it - her book is wonderful!
Oooh JP and Mary Harrington — saved that to listen to when I can! I bet that was a good convo
Haley, please read A Tale of Two Cities next. One of my favorite books.
You are the third to give a hearty nod to this one. NOTED.
If it even lives halfway up to its title, How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen sounds like the most practical book I could read right now! Thanks for sharing!
It is! And the slides which give summaries to refer to.... very helpful.
I'm so glad you're reading Dickens. He's my favorite. After you've a read a few of his novels, you should read Chesterton's book about him!
And I'm reading How to Talk So Little Kids will Listen too right now haha
Parents-in-need think alike :')
I didn't realize so many of y'all love him! Somehow I missed the Dickens train up until this point in my life. Thanks for the Chesterton tip!
I keep thinking I need to return to Dickens - it's been 10 years at least since I last read him! A project for the winter, after I finish everything else I said I was going to read... I've never read Hard Times though, so maybe that's a good place to start.
What have you read by him? I started reading worthwhile books later in adulthood so I feel as though I'm always behind on the "classics" everyone says they've read a million times. haha
I've read quite a few: Tale of Two Cities, David Copperfield, A Christmas Carol, Great Expectations, Oliver Twist, and Bleak House. But all in high school, either for my lit classes or in pursuit of my own self-important aim to be "a smart person" haha. Hopefully I am coming to them more humbly this time. I remember Tale of Two Cities being my favorite.
So elated to see you're reading Dickens! He's my absolute favorite, so I'm biased, but I sincerely hope you don't stop after Hard Times! He has so many good ones.
I started with one of his shortest but I was surprised how much I liked it. Such good one-liners and characters.
A Tale of Two Cities is a fave of ours—it was a high school reading assignment and really made an impression.
Books read in high school have about double the impression when read in adulthood..... so I'm taking note it must have been great. And three of you said so in these comments. haha